Choosing to walk away from a negative relationship, one that is draining, damaging to our self-esteem, or worse, is choosing to walk towards your own wellbeing. It’s not always easy to let go of a relationship for a variety of reasons, whether it’s because of sheer habits, because there is still a lot we like about a person who brings more negativity to us than positivity, or even because the relationship has changed so subtly that we don’t realize it’s not good for us anymore. And to remind us of this, we even have an interestingly-named holiday: Dump Your Significant Jerk Day! But you don’t need to wait for the next Dump Your Significant Jerk Day to come around–any day is the right time to think about creating distance or an end to relationships that aren’t supportive. (Note: Sometimes there are darker forces at play such as abuse, at which time it may be necessary to get professional help and support to leave; the type of relationships I’m going to be talking here are of the less serious variety, but if you are in a relationship where you don’t feel safe, you can find help and resources at the Domestic Violence Hotline in America: 800-799-7233.)
I’m not recommending that we cut off all relationships that go through rough patches; I’m a proponent of working on communication, conflict resolution skills, and creating greater positivity and supportiveness in relationships to save them when possible. But sometimes we may be with a partner or friend who takes a lot more than they give (when they have more available to give), people who consistently cut us down, or those who leave us feeling worse about ourselves and our lives in a regular basis. We all have our criteria for judging if a relationship can be saved. The important thing is to remember that there are options, as well as the importance of our emotional health and the relationships we choose to nurture. It’s not just about parting ways with a partner (or even a friend) who may not be right for us, but also about recognizing the value of our own emotional wellbeing and the courage it takes to prioritize it. Let’s look deeper into research and action steps to have a greater understanding of why and how letting go of negative relationships is crucial for our mental health, and how we can emerge stronger and more self-aware. Here’s what research has to say:
- Impact of Negative Relationships on Mental Health:
- Research by Kiecolt-Glaser and Newton asserts that stressful relationships can lead to a weakened immune system.
- Recognizing and stepping away from harmful relationships is key to your physical and mental wellbeing.
- Psychological Effects of Toxic Relationships:
- Studies by psychologists including Dr. Carole D. Berkowitz highlight that staying in negative relationships can lead to increased anxiety and depression.
- Prioritizing your mental health often means reassessing and potentially leaving toxic relationships.
- Resilience After Relationship Endings:
- Research by Tashiro and Frazier shows that individuals often experience personal growth after a breakup.
- View the end of a bad relationship as an opportunity for personal development.
- Self-Esteem and Relationship Satisfaction:
- Studies by Sowislo and Orth reveal that low self-esteem predicts the decline in satisfaction in relationships.
- Building your self-esteem is crucial for healthy relationship dynamics.
- The Role of Social Support in Healing:
- Research by Uchino, Cacioppo, and Kiecolt-Glaser emphasizes the importance of a supportive social network in recovering from relationship stress.
- Lean on friends, family, and community for support during and after a breakup.
There are many steps we can take to maintain more positive relationships and let go of those that tear us down. Here are some action steps to keep in mind:
- Recognize Red Flags: Be aware of signs of negativity or toxicity in relationships. One of the best ways to do this is to simply gauge how you feel after seeing people. Your body will let you know.
- Seek Support: Confide in friends, family, or a therapist. Listen to feedback, and explore how you’re feeling.
- Practice Self-Care: Prioritize your wellbeing during and after a breakup. This could mean taking extra time for sleep, eating healthy meals, spending time with supportive friends, and even having a breakup playlist for processing your emotions.
- Reflect on Relationship Patterns: Learn from past relationships to avoid future toxicity. It can be tempting to jump into a new relationship as soon as possible, but it can also be really helpful to have a clear idea of your role in the relationship before you move on, so you know what to avoid next time–even if “what to avoid” is the type of partner you tend to choose.
- Set Boundaries: Know what you will and will not tolerate in relationships. Having a clear idea of where to draw the line makes it much easier to actually draw it, and this can save your emotional wellbeing.
- Stay Active: Engage in physical activities to boost mood and self-esteem. Exercise in the form of walking, yoga, or even dancing can be really helpful and mood-boosting.
- Explore New Interests: Rediscover or find new hobbies and passions. Express your creativity and take pride in exploring new paths.
- Journal Your Thoughts: This helps process emotions and gain clarity. I recommend that you maintain a gratitude journal, even if it’s in addition to an emotion-processing journal.
- Cultivate Positivity: Surround yourself with positive people and experiences. Having positive and supportive relationships can help you feel supported and add stability when you feel unmoored. It can also lift your mood with little effort, as happiness and positivity can be contagious.
- Embrace Being Single: Enjoy your own company and personal freedom. I know this may sound cheesy, but the relationship you have with yourself is the most important one in your life!
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